My Abuela and Rellenos

This post is actually from my old blog, originally published on 9/29/2011. My grandmother passed away 2 weeks later.

She's been on my mind a lot lately, and I still tell everyone that her rellenos were absolutely the best I've ever tasted.

For the record, I've learned to make rellenos almost as good as hers and I also make a pretty good arroz con gandules.

This week my mother emailed me to let me know that my grandmother/abuela (who turned 90 a couple of months ago) was taken to the hospital after having suffered an apparent stroke.  I had just gone to visit her in Florida earlier this month, and on my return I told everyone how my 90 year old grandmother is just as sharp as ever, is still an amazing cook, and is quite strong and feisty for her age!  Even as I told people about my “abuela”, I remember feeling pangs of fear inside, fear that came on just by repeating the number “90”, realizing that this is an age that many people strive to reach and don’t, thinking to myself that my abuela’s stride was just a little bit slower than the last time I saw her, that her hair a little bit grayer, her face a little bit more lined…and then thinking to myself that I don’t want to think about it.

I’m not ready to face the reality that life is so cyclical.  I’m not ready to accept that those who were once our caregivers will eventually rely on us to care for them.  It’s not that I don’t want the bother, it’s that I’m not ready to give up that picture in my head of them in their prime, their strength  and vigor,  how I assumed they would just always be in my life.

I don’t have dozens of stories about my grandmother and how she was always a large force in my life, how we spent the holidays together or how she nursed me when I was sick.  To be honest, we weren’t close while I was growing up as we lived in New York and she was still in Puerto Rico – my first memory of her is when I was 15 years old and visiting Puerto Rico; that was the first summer I really started getting to know her.  Even though I’ve seen her probably a dozen times in my entire life, I still feel connected to her.  I would look forward to visiting her and enjoying her amazing dishes – especially her “famous” rellenos de papa (stuffed potato balls) and arroz con gandules (rice with pigeon peas).  I would look forward to her hugs at the door, to hearing her stories about her life and to hearing her tell dirty jokes!

This is the last picture we took together when we visited her in Florida just a month before she died

I wish we’d had been able to spend more time together.  I wish I had called her more often.  I wish I had made her more of a priority.  Now, as she is lying in a nursing home for the next couple of weeks while she undergoes speech therapy, I wish I could say I’d been a better granddaughter to her.

I’m glad though, that it’s not too late for me to start reaching out to her more.  I’m going to have the last picture of us taken in Florida framed and mail it to her.  I’m going to call her as soon as she’s able to speak. 

I’m also going to learn again how to make her rellenos de papa and arroz con gandules.  That always reminds me of abuela.